Dear Edward
by Ro Nordmann
Summary: You know what brings a smile to my face? Memories of you… I wonder if your dreams are your reality. How I wish your life turned out exactly how you imagined it in your seventeen-year-old brain. Mine not so much.
1. Dear Edward

**Disclaimer** : All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

Dear Edward,

I know it's been almost a decade since we last spoke. I don't even know if your eyes will ever see me again. You've always liked my old-fashioned habits, so I hope this letter amuses you. No one writes letters anymore. Technology has taken over our lives for better or worse. I miss the smell of old books inside a bookstore, since now they have practically become extinct replaced by the kindle unlimited. But I digress… why am I writing you now?

Well, truth be told I miss you more than ever, my dear best friend. Life has taken its bitter turns and changes and I'm not doing so good. I need a lifeline, someone to hold on to. I feel like if I don't have anchor I might simply float away into nothingness. Every single milestone has taken me here, to this moment in the endless cycle of suffering. I've lost a part of me and I fear I may never recover.

You know what brings a smile to my face? Memories of you… I wonder if your dreams are your reality. How I wish your life turned out exactly how you imagined it in your seventeen year old brain. Mine not so much. I mean do you really imagine yourself getting biopsied, having a positive result and told you have cancer? No, I think not. I'm tired of hearing the phrase "you got the good cancer, you won't die from this," and yet I have to endure for the rest of life with a condition and pills. Yes, I'm thankful that I've survived and I will continue to survive this disease, but it doesn't stop the emotional baggage that comes along with it, the loneliness and overwhelming fear that swallows unawares. For once, I understand the existence of support groups, of having other people talk about their experiences and give you encouragement. Only someone who has lived it can empathize with what you're going through.

I feel unrecognizable, like my body has been violated. I want to be normal, feel like _me_ again. The sad truth is I may never feel it. That's the cruel reality of my existence, to accept this as my now and my future. Change my worldview and see the positives of every little detail and discard the bad apples that fall on my way. It is easier said than done. My mind is my own enemy, and how can you conquer something that's attacking from within? Can I cut it out like the cancer?

Life is a cruel bitch, who feels entitled to take away when you least expect it the little joys you've accumulated. So, here I'm trying to relieve some of those joys in my remembrance of you.

Keep smiling, Edward.

Love,

Bella


	2. Smile

Dear Edward,

Here comes another letter…from your Bella. I hope it finds you in the most unexpected ways, maybe even make you smirk at the envelope as you read the return address. I don't expect you to write back and interrupt your busy living. Writing to you is the cheapest therapy I can get. Don't get me talking about my financial "situation". Every time someone asks me if I'm working, I want to wring their neck. No, I'm currently not working. Yes, I can walk and take care of myself, so I'm not incapable of working and most people with my diagnosis work. Good for them, cheers! I made a decision and I'm sticking to it. It is just that simple. I'm in control of my life and what happens from now on… or so I delude myself to believe. The ordinary pesky details, yes, those I have a say in them, but in the big scheme of things, God is the mastermind and my life belongs and rests with Him.

Enough of beliefs…I wonder if you can feel the breeze in your face at this very moment, as I can. Wish you were here with me, Edward. Stare at your sea-foam colored eyes and yearn for only to pretend you don't see the longing in my eyes staring back. Do you have regrets? If a person says they have none, I'd call them a liar to their face. Makes me think of the movie "Sliding Doors". How a what-if-moment can transform your life. It is a dangerous path, lingering in the many alternatives I could have taken and how my path would have swerved in a whole different direction.

You'd say reality is all relative and all that philosophical crap you like to spew when we were barely comprehending life's cruelties and injustices. I know one truth, my life isn't the same since I read the word "carcinoma." The first time it wasn't my biopsy, not my name on the pathology report. It was my mother's. She was sitting on the examination table talking like nothing was wrong. I stared at that report and tears sprang from eyes knowing our lives were changing to surviving each step and fighting her stubbornness. Her fight is over. Today's her 8th month anniversary. Hers wasn't the "good" cancer and it had hidden itself away and lurked uninvited showing its ugliness stealing her last breath.

I know what she wanted for me, to be happy, to live, to have a family, to be free. I want those things and pray I get to feel a child inside me. Yet, I feel these are things not under my control. Just waiting. Not happening at the moment anyway, with _RAI_ * just around the corner and my womb being off limits and no man beside me. Don't pity me, Edward. I simply want you to be a "listening" shoulder I can rely on to keep my thoughts.

The upside? My future is open, not written yet. I'll beat this, it won't conquer me. Half of it is done and I have to believe there's no cancer microgram inside my body left. My healing scar proves it was taken from my body and won't be coming back. I have to breathe it, bind it to my heart, and write it on my soul. My mom's time was over, but mine isn't.

Smile.

I do, mostly.

God's Grace is upon me.

Love,

Bella

* * *

*Radioactive Iodine Ablation Treatment for Differentiated Thyroid Cancer (RAI) www*thyca*org/pap-fol/rai/


	3. We are alive

Dear Edward,

Have I told you what I did the day I received the news of my papillary carcinoma? I went to a swing set at a park with my cousin. It popped into my head that it was what I wanted to do. The comfort of childhood, to feel weightless for seconds in the air and smile to the sky above. I've been meaning to do it again. Almost did as I walked from the hospital today and saw a free swing set at my neighborhood park, on my way home. Just letting go for a few minutes…

Did you know that 3-5% of nodules on the thyroid turn out to be cancerous and BINGO! I hit that lottery ticket. My other odds are close to 90% chance of full recovery if the appropriate treatment is done. My age, my gender, my tumor size and type are in my favor… that is why it's the "benign" cancer.

Yet my right thyroid nodule was mulitfocal, which means "metastasized within the lobe". Heard that last week and swallowed hard. The word metastasis scares me. To me it equals to soon-to-be-dead, or no much of hope. Heard if first with my mother's breast cancer showing up in her liver, lungs and her bones. The fucker reared its existence when we least expected believing it was over. My mom died believing she was cured and a survivor. A negative lung biopsy and a clean PET scan to prove it, but four months later my hopes were shattered with that simple word. It was humane for her to die from her complications, than to live a few more months in pain and probably rejecting any treatment. She was done with chemo and she surely wasn't going to do radio, which she denied in the first place. She praised God everyday and served him to the very last moment she was able. In return, He granted her his everlasting mercy and brought her to His infinite presence.

It's what I believe. It was my prayer that day, for God to be merciful and not forget us.

Though I confess, with her death, a part of me died with her, a hole inside me not to be filled. Her memory is with me everywhere. I was with her throughout all her two-year ordeal and I don't regret it. I miss her terribly, but I accept she's where she should be, with no more cancer wrecking her life, even if I need her still.

The next day from my diagnosis I cried all morning. I spoke to God in anger, wanting my mother so badly, needing to hear her voice and her needing her never-ending strength that kept her going for 64 years in this world through five miscarriages, my bastard father and his death and taking care of her two daughters, her reason for living. Two days later I had my answer. She would have not been able to resist seeing me suffering this disease. Her words came to mind when she found out about her cancer, better her than her children. Never to touch us… A mother's love is like no other on this earth.

Even now smile, Edward.

We are alive.

Love,

Bella


	4. What do I know about life?

Dear Edward,

Last time I cried as I wrote to you…maybe I should simply stop. You haven't given me a sign you're reading them. Maybe emails are the way to go, but that too is old-school. Facebook, Facetime, Google Duo, WhatsApp, Skype, Twitter all are they way to communicate and keep in touch. I can't make myself look for you in social media. I hate the detachment in which people find themselves entitled to state their opinions, to rally behind "causes" and think they are changing and making the world a better place. Nothing beats seeing a person eye to eye as you convey your soul to them.

Next best thing?

Writing with your own hands what you feel deep within the marrow of your very essence as you bleed yourself dry, looking for an elusive release from pain, from loneliness and despair. I find myself smiling as I write this…philosophical diatribe.

What do I know about life?

Have I really lived in these 34 years or have I been hiding behind the tragedies life has dealt me?

Don't answer that. I can give you justifications, white lies, recriminations up to my eyeballs, and yet I still stand and breathe. Years go by and my life felt like a standstill and now it's been like a whirlwind of test after test that I can't even worry if I failed each obstacle course. Be careful of what you wish for…the irony doesn't escape me. God stands with me, commands me to wait, His plans and His promises will be fulfilled. I have to believe in these words or else I'll simply succumb to my human nature, my ways of doing things, of wanting immediate results and getting things done.

I can't lose sight of what my purpose in this world is now after finding my way back to God. My life isn't just for solving mundane problems related to consequences of what other people left behind. My soul is eternal and I have to understand that someday I will become the perfect version of what God sees in me, in his perfect love. I'm nowhere near it, I'm just a caterpillar dreaming of becoming a gorgeous butterfly ready to fly off into the heavens.

It doesn't mean I want what others might want to as we walk this imperfect world. I don't know if God will grant me a husband or children, but once again I have to hold his promise that his blessings and closed doors are His way of caring and loving his imperfect daughter. He is all I have, my terrenal parents are gone.

Anxiety and depression lurks around me, I won't deny it to you. They sneak upon me and wreak havoc on my emotions. Emotions are an indissoluble part of us, but tyrants in so many ways. Which brings me to how having my thyroid surgically removed has impacted my body and therefore my emotions. I've suffered depression before, it seems is part of the package I inherited from my father and his chronic depression. But now after the hormonal storm inside me, I can diagnose myself with what I've dubbed "thyroid bipolarity." I've never more out of control and ready to strangle someone. Forget PMS. True homicidal urges that have forced me to isolate myself even more for self-preservation and the good of others. There's not much you can do after your mouth has runaway from you. Saying sorry is just a word and if you're honest you probably still believe you were right, so there is really no repentance on your part. So I'm left alone with my thoughts and my overwhelming sense that my body is against me, bringing me down with its constant struggle to generate more energy and keep my eyes open.

Oh my! I suck at giving you a hopeful outlook on what's going on in my life. I won't blame my thyroid-less and say the dark skies outside my window have given the blues and brought on this retrospective state.

I'll give you a break from it now. Go back to your accustom schedule and don't forget…to smile.

Love,

Bella


	5. Joshua 1:9

Dear Edward,

I have positive things to share this time…after three weeks off the Synthroid, my replacement thyroid hormone medication, eating a low-iodine diet and having full on hypothyroidism I had my first RAI treatment. I confess I was hoping of escaping said therapy, but with the pathology report results I wasn't going to be spared from it. Well, I guess I could've refused it, but don't I want the best chances of being cured from this disease?

Be brave, my mother told me, God is with us all the time, there's nothing to fear. She always quoted Joshua 1:9 to me, and to this day every time I hear it or read it somewhere it makes me cry and think of her. She was brave and bold, she took the chemo that probably only deteriorated her heart and didn't stop the metastasis already in her body, that the stupid PET Scan didn't pick up.

So, I was brave and swallowed the radiation in pill form. It was kind of comically seeing the technician panicking as he gave me the instructions. I mean isn't this his daily bread, so to speak? Why so scared? I have to swallow this thing and he left me alone and I had to wear gloves and practically sprint from the place, avoid people and lock myself in my home ASAP.

I have to say I experienced in those moments how people are rejected when they have a visible disease. It wasn't enjoyable and I felt like a freak who almost puked said pill as my body was trying to reject ingest it. Good thing I was able to talk myself out of panicking and actually contaminating that room. The pill was the size of a painkiller and was stored inside this metallic cylindric storage that felt alien. I guess it safeguards from emitting radiation, it only comes out when you have to take it.

As I'm leaving the hospital, of course the first person that comes in front is a woman with a baby. I turn to the side and avoid being in their presence and run as fast from the entrance. No elevator for me, so I take the stairs and wait for my aunt to catch up and take me home. I don't sit beside her, in the backseat and the opposite side. Good thing I live only about ten minutes away from the hospital, so no long exposure. Once inside my home, it becomes my prison for the next four days.

Other positive things, time went fast and I didn't suffer from too much side-effects. My stomach was upset the first day and on the third day I felt some discomfort inside my neck. I felt no nausea or problems with my salivary glands. On the fourth day, I had my Whole Body Scan, that took like 45-60 minutes of lying down and not moving an inch, but I did it.

Looking back on these past months, I've endured getting the news that there was some nodules on my thyroid from a sonogram, got biopsied on both sides, found out they were both positive for papillary carcinoma and I needed a total thyroidectomy. This implicated no thyroid hormone depending the rest of my life on medical replacement.

My initial reactions to these events have been with tears and fear, but with time and introspection I've been able to accept them and carry on. Yes, I got the more benevolent cancer (or the "good" cancer as the insensitive doctors told me, be happy and don't cry), but it is still cancer and I will be under medical scrutiny for the next five years. My body needs thyroid hormone and now after all these procedures the next step is finding my number. So more labs and more trial and error until that dosage is found right for my body. I want it and I need to find my new "normal". I don't want to feel rundown and irritated all the time, as if my body is betraying me. Currently, I'm gaining weight, which I'm trying to accept as part of being hypothyroid. I had lost 100 pounds since 2014 and it really sucks since in three weeks you can gain weight despite eating the same and forcing yourself to exercise despite being exhausted.

I remind myself, _deep breaths_. I have to be patient and wait for the number, for my new "normal". Until then, keep praying and believing I'm a survivor. This won't conquer me, I'm conquering _it_. And I'm already more than halfway there. My scan results showed no evidence of metastatic disease.

Edward, I believe the worst is over. After every tear, every frustrated sigh, I'm on my way to better days: to enjoying the breeze that comes through my window, to drinking a small glass of sangria once in a while, to smiling at a small child that walks by, to cuddling with my companion, my dog…to see my deepest hope come to fruition if God wills it so.

Love,

Bella


	6. Scars

Dear Edward,

Remember when you fell from the tree in your backyard and had to be taken to your dad for stitches on your forehead? You didn't want to cry in front of me and later when I saw you the next day you didn't want to show me how big you thought the scar would be.

Scars.

Scars can be physical or invisible, deep inside your soul.

I have both.

I recall how the surgeon was checking where the incision would be and how long, and wanting it to be smallest as possible and not be so noticeable. My answer was I didn't care, I only wanted it out of my body.

It was the same reaction I had when I found of about my mother's cancer. She was reluctant (or in the denial) of having a mastectomy, of losing her whole right breast. It wasn't salvageable, the disease was metastatic and there were many tumors within. I couldn't sleep for two weeks after we got the biopsy report. All I wanted was for it to be taken from her body. Finally, the surgeon explained the breast was going to be remove whether it was before or after chemotherapy.

Her scar was long and got infected. She hated it. I was the one that said it was prove of her bravery and her survivor's spirit. She had nothing to be ashamed of, she was still my mother. My mother didn't have reconstruction surgery and every time she had to give her testimony in order to help someone (women who tuck their cellphone in their bra cup) she would show them her scar. Why she got it I'll never know, but I do know that she was an inspiration not only to me, and she was always giving hope to those around her.

So having scar wasn't a determent of getting surgery. People stared at first, giving me pitying looks, some even asking if I had thyroid surgery. It gave me the opportunity to speak and say God in his wisdom and grace had spared me greater heartache, letting this be known now and not later. My mom had metastasis while I don't. Her prayers have been heard and answered. While I wasn't spared from the disease, I've been "cured" from enduring horrible consequences of finding it in a more progressive stage.

My scar didn't get infected. It's no longer swollen and it's healing satisfactory. Soon, it won't be as noticeable and in years it will be a white line that will look like part of the neck fold.

But I'll know it is there.

I know what it means.

Live.

Love,

Bella


	7. Silver Lining

Dear Edward,

Dark clouds are approaching…after days of sunny skies and particles from the Sahara desert stuffing my nose. Hurricane season is looming at its peak month. I sincerely hope we are spared from storms and hurricanes. They only bring chaos and despair, with no utilities and heat.

My morose mood today I owe it all to the fact…I'm simply bored out of my skull. Last day I worked was in May and September has just started. Yes, I needed the vacation time in order to get my operation, recuperation and treatment time. Now I need something to occupy my time, or my mind will find other ways to torture me with undone things. Being the one left behind isn't glamorous. I'm responsible for inheriting the good, the bad and the ugly from both parents and I'm fed up with all the complication and problems. It is a dark shadow lurking inside my brain. I want to shove it and simply say, "Fuck it all." It isn't worth my mental health or my depleted emotional energy wasted worrying over it. Somehow it will be done, one at a time, or so I try to convince myself. Every problem has a solution. Too bad most can be solved with money, that I don't have.

Money.

The root of all evil, of sinful machinations and destructor of lives.

I say you won't be the boss of me.

I'm not deluded. I know I need to pay the bills and keep a certain standard of living, but it can't be the driving force, the motivation of being a breather.

I hated my job. It didn't pay on time and I had to work so much over months and months for free really. Who can keep going like that? I was depressed and irritated. I wanted to quit and leave it all behind. Somehow I endured it until the last day. They called wanting me back. I had the perfect excuse. I was having RAI the very next week and there was no way I could work around little kids being radioactive. One point on my side. But they are manipulative assholes and direct deposited $400 into my account. They still owed me money, but it was a small amount finally after weeks. So what I should do with this money? I haven't earned it and I won't be bullied into going back to that job. I'm pondering the email I have to sent to my employer and hoping this matter is put to rest soon.

You would think I'd be happy since last Friday my tire exploded and I had to replace it. Another one of those unexpected expenses. I've been getting at least one each month. Previous month it was my dog's hospitalization, you can guess it wasn't cheap, not even with the plan I'm paying monthly. But he's ok, older but he keeps me company and is the only being in this world that will love me unconditionally. Dogs are God's way of showing us his loving disposition.

Maybe I should consider volunteer work, make myself useful in other ways, that feed my mind and spiritual well-being. Last night, at worship service we were invited to help others walk to Christ. It is something, as I Christian I should be doing in someway and I have to admit I've been neglecting. Yes, my health has become my number one priority, but I believe this crisis is almost over. I will be declared cancer free and the only thing left to do is find the right dosage of Synthroid, to get my "normal" back.

I'm rambling here, Edward. I'm sorry, but I must assume you're growing tired of my ups and downs…so am I. Remember no thyroid means brain fog, not very good memory, tiredness and mood swings galore. It is why I yearn for that magical pill to finally enter my body and all it set to rights (as good as it going to get for me).

I have two potential places to work at. Tomorrow I'll call and see, and if God wills it, so shall be. If not, God close the doors that not go according to your plan for my life.

Do you believe in the Almighty God, Edward?

When we were young we believed…when we grew up we found philosophy and embraced existentialism. How we laughed at hell, saying it was simply being around other people. How Mersault had it easy by getting blinded by the sun and losing it all within the blink of an eye. We were ready to accept the nothingness of being, we only had today.

Now, I believe in God's plan and His care for me, as his daughter. It doesn't mean things won't happen, that won't suffer, but there's hope of eternity in his Love, his mercy is renewed every day and his Grace is upon me. I want to be Light in the midst of darkness. I want to forgive myself for doubting, for fearing and for failing, but I'm not defeated.

Be kind to someone, even if you don't know them. The reward is not in the thanks you'll get back (or even if you don't get it), it will replenish your soul. I know you'll feel it and be encouraged to do more. The little things end up being the most important in the end.

I need to feel this again and stop mopping around inside four walls. I have so much to be grateful for and give of what I've been given.

See, this letter has a silver lining.

Don't be rolling your eyes at me, mister.

Take care old friend, don't forget to smile, it will light up the room you're in.

Love,

Bella


	8. Faith

Dear Edward,

I know...I've neglected my writing habits and you're probably wondering what I've been up to lately. Nothing much has changed. I'm still me, with all my circumstances trying to overwhelm me, and I'm either good at this faith thing or simply in denial. I'm going with the second one.

I want to be worry-less, anxiety-less, problem-less and full of faith and content.

I try to be positive, as you have read in my previous letter to see the silver lining, but there seems to be a pebble or a rock in the way of my pathway to peace of mind. I yearn for it, to be calm and to be able to say things are better.

I do have to be thankful and I'm truly happy over one important news. Last week after weeks of submitting myself to operation, tests, RAI therapy, SPECT, my reward was finally hearing the word: cured. That is pretty epic in light of the months I've lived this year. My health moved at the top of the to-do list and my most important prayer. I got my answer, be still my child and I'll be with you until the end.

So, one prayer answered and a wonderful response received. Now on to the rest, may God grant me serenity to withstand my circumstances, remembering they are trivial and temporal. Each and everyone has a viable solution and I hope for the right one to come in my aid, soon.

I won't lie to you and pretend all is peaches and cream. I'm struggling and looking for an exit sign, or maybe a prince charming to take me away from it all (I know it's against my feminist education, but sometimes you want someone to rescue you from yourself).

Maybe I should give the relaxation technique I was taught last week with the cancer support group, visualizing footprints in the sand and seeing the fact I don't walk alone. The Lord is always with me and will come to my aid.

I'm cured.

There's no cancer in my body.

I'm on my way to getting my "new normal".

I just have to keep breathing, keep moving forward, waiting for His perfect timing to strike in my favor.

And that Edward is called faith.

Love,

Bella


	9. Trust

Dear Edward,

I''m a thyroid cancer (ThyCa) survivor.

I can finally claim that statement. My next birthday is coming up and I have much to celebrate… Last year I didn't celebrate my 34th year. My mom was sick and I wanted to celebrate together… we didn't get to. On her birthday she was admitted to the ICU never to come out of it again.

My mom was 30 years older than me and I wonder if I only have some 30 years ahead of me to look forward to… Both my parents didn't reach beyond sixty-five. Is that like a life sentence for their offspring?

My sis and I have discussed it. She hasn't blatantly said she fears cancer is going to be part of her life too, but with three members of her family you might start to panic and start obsessing over it. She thinks at the very least the fact I changed my lifestyle two years ago has improved my odds, even with the discovery of the two tumors that were lurking on my thyroid unbeknown to me.

Almost a hundred pounds lighter (stupid 3 weeks off my thyroid hormone replacement has given a few pounds back, but nothing to go crazy over) changed my life. I experienced buying clothes without fearing the fact they wouldn't fit, and not having to keep buying size 18 for years and years. I can brag that I have size 4 pants in my closet now and wear shirts in small size. It may not be a big deal to some, but it hasn't taken some mental adjustment for me. I would say that living for two decades with the mindset that you are fat and that changed in a year… It took time to adjust to my new body image, physically and mentally. Now people don't recognize me and others say question if I'm eating right. I still stand in front of a mirror sideways and stare in wonder.

It took perseverance and determination. I simply decided I was taking that step and stuck with the diet strictly and started exercising. I increased the time until now I can do sixty minutes and do weights for my arms. They are still some flabby skin, but I have defined biceps. I don't have abs, haven't gotten into that type of exercising.

I didn't do all this hard work for vanity, I did it for my health. And now after everything I've been through this year, it has paid off. How different it would've been if I had been my old self with no healthy eating habits and exercising. I'd be as big as a house now with who knows how many complications.

God has a plan and everything will work out for good in the end.

Will I get to experience other joys in this world?

Will I get to see a child, born from my body?

Only God knows my future… I have to trust His plan.

My life isn't a checklist of worldview expectations. I don't want it to be. I can't allow these expectations to take hold of my mind and make me suffer for not accomplishing them. I have to set my goals according to higher purposes.

I have to believe my time in this Earth will be meaningful and not to simply struggle on daily basis with financial and legal trivialities. My soul has been sealed and bought with sacred blood, and nothing can separate or divide me from God's love.

Edward…I do miss the simplicity of our childhood. How we saw things then, I miss it. I wish we could unlearn the ways the world has lashed and crippled our hearts, hardened us to simply see the very essence of frailty. How little we are in the scope of things and how much we need a caring Father to guide us and hold us.

I need His everlasting embrace everyday of my days until the end.

Who holds you, Edward?

As you read this, believe I'm holding you in my arms, wanting so very much to comfort you. We all need that warmth from someone who sees beyond the facade of social niceties.

The mask has to come down sometimes.

God has mercy on us mere mortals, with all our virtues and weaknesses, and miraculously grants us a new opportunity everyday. I'm not perfect, but my perfect version of me lives within Him and I believe through His Grace it will be done.

Stumble I have, and sadly I will keep hitting roadblocks along the winding road ahead. I just have to strive for getting up from the fall and not deviate from moving forward, ignoring what's on the sidelines trying to divert my efforts. Backwards isn't the answer either, the past is part of my life, but won't determine my next steps.

I confess I currently feel like I'm inside a labyrinth and the doors I keep finding don't open. It frustrates me and I fear I might be getting stuck and not moving, like in a limbo state (a way into a depression episode that won't go quietly). These closed doors…these struggles there has to be an exhaust pipe, an escape that finally lets the light in. And when this happens I'll remember God's promises.

I'll know then that every closed door was God's way of protecting me from roadways that would've set back even more from His planned path for me.

Trust.

I have to trust.

I have to let go… nothing really is under my control. I'm not powerful. My prayers, my words don't have power, but the One who I pray to and listens does.

I'm a cancer survivor.

I'm an orphan survivor.

And I'm currently a life-endurance trainee.

By His Grace, I still stand.

Love,

Bella.


	10. Distractions

Dear Edward,

It's been some time since I've written to you. Not getting a response back may worry others, but I take comfort that these letters reach someone… even if it's not you. Writing you my thoughts, my fears, my prayers, from my soul give me some comfort. I can be honest in these words. There are no masks, no pretending, no expectations. It's truly freeing in a way nothing else can be in my life. People are watching your reactions, your words, your face, your figure, your clothes, your choices… Being an adult it's truly exhausting. I wish I could convince every single child to simply enjoy being a simply a kid a bit longer. Do not rush, for what's coming is no picnic.

I should let you know I ran way for little while my current existence. I bought tickets on a whim after some discouraging events and took the plunge. I left my life temporarily. A good friend, one I should say is like a sister from another family has been asking me for months to visit her and stay for the holidays. Money troubles were holding me back from doing it, but I took the chance.

Trouble is back home, still waiting. Legal problems haven't been resolved and probably won't be for years. I still don't have a job and the only income I have will be reduced considerably, which means I'll be struggling even more. Upside to escaping is I won't be alone in the upcoming dates… November is a tough month. November 30th was my Mom's birthday. Almost whole year has gone by since my last talk with her in the hospital room.

Yeah, I chose escape rather than face this month on my own, without my sister. And here I'm spending my last day with my friend, before I take another plane to NYC to be with my sister for Christmas time, as I did last year. This coming December 8th I'll be with my sister as I think we both need. As you know every 8 of each month I feel like the walls are gonna swallow me whole and I stay inside my cave not wanting to join the living.

Distractions, mundane stuff have been good so far. I still get the occasional phone call from my aunt that tries to drag me down, reminding me of what's waiting for me back home. I just need a bit more time.

Don't you agree?

We don't deserve anything, yet I yearn this breathing space away from my surrounding depressing situations. I do confess I miss my dogs, my consolation price has been hanging out with my friend's dog. He's been kind enough to accept me and I've been walking him around the block.

I've been feeling better, not needing to take naps in the afternoon and my insomnia is under control. Taking this vacation from my life, means I have taken a rest from visiting doctors' offices for at least two months.

Once the new year arrives, my days will be numbered and I'll have to suck it up and face my reality. Challenges will await me and I have to be brave and know that I'll be able to endure and solve one thing at a time. I can't think of everything at once or I'll quit right at this very moment. Venting helps, loudly stating how sick am I of things going wrong or new situations.

Mental mantra: God is in control, He will carry me through it all. I have to trust HIs plan, knowing He won't leave me. These situations are temporary and I have been able to surpass other greater obstacles. I'm thankful for every moment. I'm alive and free of cancer. I have a to-do list, but the last word is from God.

My dear old friend I wish you happy holidays, may you be surrounded by people you love, that is all that matters in this world, the rest are just life-sucking distractions. Don't lose sight of what's truly important.

Love,

Bella


	11. Just breathe

Dear Edward,

A whole year.

365 days have gone by since my mom breathed for the last time. December 8, 2015 was the beginning of a new stage in my life. A stage where I had to face life struggles without the safety net of knowing my mom was there for me and I was there for her. My life for years had been centered around her and taking care of her, through all the health difficulties. I don't regret a single moment I spent with her and I'm thankful I got to be there for her. I don't resent my sister and her freedom to live her life as she pleased in NYC. I believe my purpose was to be exactly there, to be her daughter.

What do I with my life after this?

Life took the reins on its own and sent me into my own path of a cancer diagnosis. I can proclaim I've survived it.

Would my mother be proud of me?

I want to think that she is. I've kept my faith, even through the hard moments. It was her example that has helped me endure.

Endure.

Strive.

Move forward.

Edward, life is fucking hard most of the time. Truth is we can't complain too much, 'cause in the middle of it all blessings surrounds us. If we blink too much we might miss them. You're one of those blessings. Knowing I have someone out there getting these pieces of me, brings me comfort. I can be sincere in the written word without second guessing my thoughts.

A year has passed. A new one begins in 23 days, with it hope of new opportunities to face. Hope of leaving behind past memories and embracing the present. It all seems you can turn a new leaf and re-invent yourself. I want to, I need to have this in my life.

Problems, situations are still there. They haven't left and won't on its own. New ones will arise. I will probably vent to you and share how I felt weak, but still pushed forward. That's the only thing left to do, not be stagnant. If can't on my own, I have to be brave enough to recognize my limitations and look for help...I'm not alone. God has granted an extended family, while He took my beloved mother.

Blessings are all around, every single day.

We are just too overwhelmed to appreciate a ray of sunlight, a smiling baby, a rambunctious dog wanting to be petted... I don't want to be blinded by mendacity and banality of everyday life.

Each second I still breathe is a gift and I'm thankful of my merciful God, that won't abandon me. Nothing, not even me and my stupid choices or doubts can't ever separate me from His everlasting love.

Have a great holiday season with your family, Edward.

Just thinking of them, makes me smile even in such a melancholic day.

Family is everything, without it we are adrift at sea without a compass.

We all need to belong, to have a purpose. I have faith a path, His path for this approaching year will be revealed.

I just have to patiently wait, but without becoming a stone statue.

Just breathe, Edward. I haven't cried today. I did yesterday, but that's ok. I'm an imperfect being in constant reconstruction.

Love,

Bella 


	12. AN - Dear Edward

**AUTHOR'S NOTE FOR READERS THAT ARE CONCERNED ABOUT WHERE IS EDWARD?**

First of all I want to say **Happy Holidays** to my readers/followers of _Dear Edward_.

I started writing this story in letter format as a therapeutic exercise, as a way to vent my emotions. The events described in the letters are based on real situations I've lived through. "Bella" is not a made up woman; her life experiences are my own. I wanted to have a space where I could express my frustrations as I've lost my mother and had to face cancer on my own without her guiding and comforting me.

The point is - where is Edward is really irrelevant. The purpose of this story is for Bella to have a diary to write her thoughts and hopes to someone, it could really be anyone receiving the letters. Most of the reviews show that readers got the purpose of this story and are not complaining, but others are confused or asking about Edward and the Cullens.

If you want the typical unrequited love story of reunion and then happily ever after, then this is not your story to follow. I don't know how many more chapters I'll write. I might simply stop at some point in the near future and call it done. The thing my journey isn't over, I still have to struggle with what life throws my way, as all of us do. If you don't want to keep reading that's fine. I didn't start writing this for you - or to get famous and then pull and publish it (or, Hey! Maybe I should re-think that and actually do something with this.)

I appreciate every reader that has shared her own battle with cancer (with a loved one or herself). Thank you for letting me know that my words aren't simply flowing down the empty void of cyberspace. You have encouraged me to keep writing and sharing a bit of myself.

Maybe you'll get to know who's getting these letters in the end.

Take care,

Ro


	13. I wish you the best for 2017

Dear Edward,

Oh Edward! How do I say this? My vacation turned into crap like you can't believe. The first part of it was ok with visiting a dear friend. The second half of my vacation was supposed to be spent with my sister in NYC. I should have known that arriving in a downpour was only the start of my problems. I dragged my bags in the rain and got drenched. If you know me at all, you must know I hate wet feet. My sister didn't come and get me, so I had to get to her apartment all on my own.

Then I had to pretty much entertain myself, since my sister had to work everyday. I didn't worry 'cause I had "time" and we would be able to do things together. Wrong. So wrong. I even got locked out of her apartment one day we had lunch together before she had to leave for work. She took the keys by mistake and I had to wait on a cold lobby for four hours. Afterwards I got the news I'd have to leave for her friend's apartment because her renter was asking when was I going to leave and complained about me storing food in the fridge.

Talk about feeling unwelcome. I only wanted to spend the holidays with my sister, instead of being alone at home thinking of how it used to be with my mom around... Guess what, I spent Christmas alone with my dogs as my only company. I ended up getting a new ticket and left NYC earlier than expected. I didn't cut in her friend's apartment full of crawling roaches and mice getting into everything. The moment I saw the mouse on top of my bed that was it for me. I couldn't deal with it. I didn't sleep in two days. My sister took me back to her apartment for 4 days until I boarded a plane.

So there's still a ticket I won't be using, but it's not worth getting a non-refundable hold on the ticket since I'd have to pay $200 in order to use it. There goes $112 down the drain... I guess I should learn from my mistakes. If there's a next time be sure to know where I'll be staying and for how long and not buy return tickets if I'm not absolutely sure when I'll be coming back. My next visit should not be in winter time. I'm so done with the thousand layers and I don't like the sludge that snow becomes. Try dragging a suitcase through that mess, it's horrible. The good thing about having to return home early was getting sick like the next day. Nothing beats your bed when you're indisposed. I imported with me the flu going around my sister's job. Stayed sick for five days with fever, runny nose, cough and overall malaise. I did have a scary low blood sugar episode, but I handled it.

Enough complaining and detailing my disappointing trip, I should be looking forward to a new year approaching. 2016 brought me pain and heartache, but it also gave me my health back. I'm thankful it is over and I only have to keep my medical appointments and not forget a dose of my Synthroid. I got my prescription for the next 30 days until my next appointment and lab work to see if the dosage needs to be changed. At least I'm no longer suffering side effects like headaches anymore and I have more energy. Hypothyroidism is not fun at all, but at the moment I'm more hyper thanks to my hormone replacement. For my recovery to be successful and for the cancer not to return my TSH levels have to be very low and they are getting there. My doctor was very pleased with my latest level. After so much stress, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm thankful for the good, the bad and the ugly of 2016. God has been with me, as His promise states. I give thanks for every second of each day I've been granted. I pray that God takes of my sister and my family. Be my sole provider of faith and supply for my needs. God, I need a purpose. I need a means to support myself. Please God, put the right people on my path that will help me set the right course of my life for 2017. Grant me the strength and the serenity to endure whatever difficulties I'll confront with legal matters and other situations life springs on me. Bless my friends and their families.

In Jesus' name.

Amen.

This is my end of the year prayer and my hopes for the new one beginning. I share it with you, Edward in a desperate attempt to declare and make all of these wishes come true.

I wish you the best for 2017.

Love,

Bella


	14. Love thyself

Dear Edward,

It's been like a month since my last letter...things are the same and not. I'm feeling more energized and able to do more physical demanding things. I can wake with the sun and not feel like a zombie, though I admit I've taken to drinking instant coffee on occasion to help with my alertness.

How is it the same?

I still have no job prospects and it makes me feel…frustrated and anxious. Depending on unreliable tenants (and the unexpected repairs) is not stress-free income. Breathing deep, I say to myself this is only temporary, better things are coming my way.

On the topic of unexpected circumstances…my car got damaged on January 1. I bet you're thinking WTF? Yeah, I did too. Then I had to reassess my thoughts and be thankful it wasn't me or another person, for we would not be living. A large piece of metal from my building fell and crashed on my car, cracking the windshield and damaging the body of the car. It is only a material thing, but a pricey fix. Thankfully, the building's insurance covered and I received a check to fix it.

Expenses…renew my car's license, pay my health insurance, pay my building's maintenance fee, pay utilities and yeah have to add to my list of debts: $900 removal of the metal decoration from the building with the $7000 for painting the building.

Maybe it is time to change the subject…I'm depressing myself.

On the positive side, my levels are doing great and I have my doctor's appointment in two weeks with new labs. I'm hoping there will be no need to change my dosage yet. I'm hoping 150 mcg is my number. I can exercise for 60 minutes straight and I've pretty much lost the weight I gained when hypothyroid.

My dog is doing well, too. Finally got his pills, thanks to my dear friend mailing them to me. The first batch got lost in the mail and he hadn't taken them for a month. I was a bit worried, but thankfully he didn't show symptoms of his liver acting up. I've started to change his food, since I'm convinced it was the food he's been eating for years that's ruined his liver. The Purina brand is no good and I'm angry I was blind to all the preservatives and other things added that can harm our pets. I'm also feeding him food I prepare him, within the guidelines I've read on online blogs.

Last thing that happened was the death of my microwave…if you know how I mostly cook my food you'd know it is a big tragedy for me. I've been perusing models and they have gotten expensive and with my budget of zilch things aren't looking good. I was lucky I found a working one in my grandmother's house that mother left behind. So, I'm back to eating oatmeal in less than two minutes. The world is right again.

I'm still struggling, but I have to keep my chin up and hope for a reprieve. I have my health, a place to sleep, food in my fridge and a God that hasn't abandoned me, even with my failings and faults to uphold commands.

Love thyself, then you can love your fellow man; therefore love God.

Easier said than done. All I pray is that his Grace flows through me and renews my spirit.

Love,

Bella


	15. unable to go any further

Dear Edward,

Stuck means "unable to go any further."

That's how I've felt for so long, a year has gone by and still standing in the same place without moving forward. Then I review and think back to where I was last year at this very moment…I didn't know I had cancer and I was working without pay and dealing with the recent loss of my mother.

Truth is I'm not in the same place. I'm cancer free and adjusting to my new "normal." Currently, I'm unemployed and struggling to find a job that will help me pay the bills. Yesterday marked the one year and two months anniversary of my mother's death and my breakthrough was not staying inside my room, wallowing in my self-imposed depressive state. I didn't spend one tear. I'd say it's progress, eh? I had a productive day doing errands to help me move forward.

Today I sold my Mom's car... It had to be done. I can't drive two cars and keep them in optimal shape. But I have to confess I feel this ache in my chest... like another thing that reminds me of her is gone.

How pathetic of me.

I know intellectually what my Mom means to me is not a piece of devaluating metal, yet I feel this inside of me.

Stupid emotions.

We need them, but can't let them control our thoughts and guide our steps. I have to be stronger than what I feel. This too shall pass.

Having all this time on my own and taking this step may push me further and more things will finally change. One example is taking time to clean out her closet, which is something I've neglected to do. I've justified with many excuses…that no longer apply. I have to admit that I feel overwhelmed with all that's been piling on my shoulders. Moral of the story: if you have children don't leave them unresolved problems or debts if possible.

I think it is unfair that I have to carry on with a baggage that wasn't mine to begin with in the first place. This has only brought me anger and I have let it go, for it isn't helping me and only fueling the "stuck" stage.

I have to keep the right priorities, reminding myself to not anticipate the worst and live each day knowing: "Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

My 2017 prayer has been for God to order things in my life, to set them according to His Plan. He is in control. I only have to keep in faith that each and every milestone has been under His guidance and that He will deliver me from every situation I still have to face. I thank you, Lord, for being with me in every single moment; that Your will is perfect and that I will wait and stay in calm; knowing You won't abandon me. You will protect me, for You are my fortress. You will provide and I won't have to fear poverty or hunger. Your mercies are new everyday and I'm thankful for your forgiveness. I believe You hold my perfect version in your infinite mind, and that only You can mold me, break me and sustain me to be each day closer to my perfection in eternity. Bless my family, may the all serve only You. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Be blessed, Edward.

Love,

Bella


	16. Everything is fine

Dear Edward,

Sometimes I wish I was different, that my emotions didn't take hold over my mind, shatter my inner peace. I feel so out of sorts today... I want a freaking vacation from my emotions and everything that has been overwhelming me since I've had to step up on my own. I don't want to be responsible for yards, when I live in an apartment. Of houses falling in on themselves, by decaying, leaking roofs or having to deal with asshole tenants that don't pay on time and having to depend on said money to make ends meet.

I know I'm blessed with a lot of things others don't have... but I still need to face up to so much crap and not having a paying job isn't helping me feel secure in my current situation.

I miss my sis and not with her. She left home back in '11 for graduate school. I supported her and I don't resent her for leaving me in charge of taking care of my mom after every single thing that went wrong with her health. I confess it would help me at the moment having physically beside me as an emotional support, but I can't be selfish. She made a life for herself in NYC, even if it isn't perfect. I just need someone to share the burden with, that understands me and I can curse with and not feel guilty for it. It is clear the occasional phone call isn't cutting it. I'm counting the days until her next visit in May (64 days, 16 hours and 57 minutes...)

I want to be free of the heavy baggage on my shoulders... Yes, I've prayed, do pray and ask for God to take it, to fix it, as He only can... I guess I haven't learned that lesson of how to let it go truly and feel at peace knowing it will all work out in the end. I hate to feel impotent and not moving forward, as if things have stayed the same in most respects. The few things that have changed (or moved forward) have been my doing (or God's way of opening doors for me), it all depends on how you look at things.

I've learned to ask for help and to be honest with people; letting them know I need guidance. It is something I'm still not comfortable with, having my mom as an example of self-reliance. I've even asked her forgiveness for being "weak" and asking for assistance with things.

So, yeah I want a vacation, an escape from my reality. I'm thankful for my health, but other areas in my life need to change for the better, or else I fear my mental health will suffer. There's so much you can take with your chin up and fake smiles of "everything is fine". Every time someone asks me if I'm working or how I'm doing, I simply want to SCREAM. That's frustration at its best.

Another deep breath and hoping tomorrow is better than today.

Love,

Bella


	17. Impotence

Dear Edward,

I've neglected you...writing my thoughts, my wins, my not-so-wins, and everything in between. What's the update, you wonder? Things are the same and not. I want to say that I'm full of optimism, that everything is going as planned, or my way.

Only it is not.

A year has gone by, the only good thing I can declare: I'm cancer-free. Great, right? Yes, it is a wonderful thing to know that battle is done. I have to keep my appointments, take my pill and be thankful.

So what's the hold up, Edward?

Everything else.

I can't seem to move forward. Somethings are stuck and I can't push or escape them. I truly feel like I'm drowning in it. Today, I told my sister I felt like I had no way to fix what's wrong in my life. You know what her answer was? I have to let go of the things I can't control. So, true, but this weight it is still there. The problems keep mounting, multiplying, into a downward spiral. Always in the back of my mind torturing me with how I'm failing to make ends meet on my own. I still don't have a job, still have an inheritance lawsuit and properties that will end bleeding me dry if I'm not able to sell them for what's worth now...I want, need something to give, a bit of respite. I can't take more, my sanity is getting closer to its breaking point.

I'm only human, and mistakes are many. Should I simply forgive myself? Am I that angry that my own self? Is that what depression really means? Maybe deep down, the root of all my despair, my unhappiness is that I'm a control-freak, with irrational ideas polluting my mind, taking me away from God's Grace.

I hear His Word, but am I living it?

I'm so tired waking up day after day, having to face other people's expectations of what my life should amount to.

Edward, I believe that what I truly seek is FREEDOM. I want a blank slate and start over, leave behind what was, and believe I can have a different life, one am not responsible for my parent's mistakes, the shackles that keep me immobile be broken.

Maybe your view on this is simple. I'm feeling sorry for myself, boohoo, grow some balls and move on.

The problems are still there.

People are going to judge and annoy me.

The only thing I can control...How it affects me. And boy does it tumble me to the bottoms of my feet. It makes you wonder every single time someone asks me how am doing and they immediately answer if I'm fine. Why ask then? Clearly, they don't really care or want my truthful answer of how screwed up and down the drain my life is headed.

 _Impotence_.

Why does it shatter me to pieces and how can I change that? So, I'll keep giving a good cry a chance and live to fight another day.

Love,

Bella

 **A/N:** If you still wonder where Edward is and his lack of response refer to **Author's Note Chapter 12**.


	18. Let God be the driver

Dear Edward,

It's been…six months. Lots of things have gone by, I'm still standing.

I had my second RAI, a small dose this time, only to confirm no cancer is present. It means another year of no possibility of having children. Then again I don't have a partner to make them with…have to trust God's plan for my life.

I've lived through two hurricanes, enduring hours of uncertainty. A window blew open right in the middle of the worst one. I was alone, with only God as my protector. He came through for me, affirming my belief that He cares of me, as his daughter. Weeks of no power were no picnic, but more devastating was experiencing no end to the crisis. It was difficult to find clean water and food, long lines for everything and never ending traffic jams. I spent 8 hours, in line, to get only $20 worth of gas. I even ended up being a victim of sexual harassment in my vulnerable state. Just know that I'm safe now and I won't let it bring me down. It hasn't been easy having to face of these unexpected challenges on my own, but my faith has kept me from letting depression take a complete hold over me. Yes, I've cried and ranted. I'm still only human. Life goes on and doesn't wait for you. I take some days, but I won't let it consume me.

87 days later many still suffer the consequences of the most destructive hurricane ever landed on the island. This has made me consider to finally take a definitive step towards moving with my sis. So, my goal for the New Year is leaving behind the rut I've been living and starting a new life in another country beside my sister.

Loneliness hasn't been kind to either of us. Both at the same time understood it was the right decision to make. The problems aren't going away, but I refuse to keep the status quo. Everyone around me has moved on.

My time to experience a different life has finally arrived and I'm welcoming it. Maybe our paths will cross again, Edward. I'm trying to let it all go, trust the process, let God be the driver. This I hold true, I won't face it alone and I have nothing to fear…God will be with me in every step I take.

Love,

Bella


	19. Potential for growth

Dear Edward,

A new phase is approaching and I welcome it. I'm tired of feeling stagnant for such a long time, like waiting for my life to move forward and not moving at all. I guess if you want something to change you have to make it happen for yourself. Truth is life always has a way to turn your plans, but I have hope that things even with a bit of rocks on the way will bring forth positive outcomes in my future.

Adversity is part of the package unfortunately. I can't escape it, no one can. I'm praying for a reprieve...a pass. We all have crosses to bear. I can't let discouragement and fear to drown me. I admit to failing some days and letting it consume my mind, a very dangerous thing.

Like the other day, I said somethings I shouldn't have to my sister. I felt like quitting. Doesn't anyone?

I'm sorry, but I'm only human. This is just another piece of my frailty, of why I have to depend on the only one that I can trust, who is with me every single moment.

Yes, Edward without faith I'd have given up a long time ago. That empty feeling inside you can only be contained with faith, with God inside your heart. I have nothing else and without Him, I'm nothing.

I've decided to let go, trust that things will workout in the end. I've come this far, even on my own for the past two years. It's been hard, but I'm certain that with my sister, together we will face whatever comes next with confidence that God will guide us through.

A new year has just begun, it really is just a different number, another day. What makes the difference is when you make a different choice, not conform to the status quo. Believe is a powerful thing, that allows you to see beyond your limitations and see potential for growth.

So, I thank God for gifting me a new day...full of his mercies and benefactions.

Love,

Bella


End file.
